Taken in Haiti

Living Without Food and Fear

As you approach the threshold of a Breatharian or inedic lifestyle, you may encounter a wall of primal fear.

After my initial spiritual awakening I found I could only eat one midday meal each day. This was a departure, not only from my normal eating habits, but from all I knew about nutrition and how the human body was sustained. As I adjusted to this new paradigm, I watched diligently for signs of malnutrition. None presented, in fact, quite the opposite. I had vitality, my weight was stable, my hair, skin, nails were in superb condition. I felt good.

That was all very reassuring, but why was I still afraid? It’s not as though I was always gripped with fear, but sometimes it would bloom out of seemingly nowhere and I felt I had swallowed a cold stone of doubt. “The world doesn’t work this way. The body doesn’t work this way. You are young and healthy now, and even though you can’t see the effects, you are essentially using up all your reserves from the inside out. By the time you know this is a problem, it will be too late. Your eyesight will fail, your bones will be thin and brittle, you will have ruined yourself.”

The problem was, this wasn’t a choice. I could not tolerate eating more than one meal. And taking vitamin supplements made me very sick. So for a while I made a heroic and ridiculous endeavor to get all the food groups into my one daily meal. Even so, there was just no way to get all the nutrients that my body supposedly needed every single day to be healthy.

Years went by and I did not wither away. I did, however, ease up trying to eat a cornucopia at my midday meal. It took years, but I finally got to a place where the doubt and fear alchemized into an unknowing. Not a certainty, not an understanding, but an unknowing. I did not know how my body sustained itself. Only that it did. That’s it. I had not gained anything, but rather I had finally well and truly lost the previous framework for knowing how my body works. This was not just an intellectual knowing or belief. This understanding and belief in needing food and nutrients in a certain quantity and frequency was embedded in the body itself. The human system, like all of nature, has built in redundancies so that if one function fails, another might step in and compensate. So if you are not smart enough to understand your nutritional requirements, your body intelligence will kick in and get you fed, at least enough to survive.

Once you lose the framework, both in the mind and the body, the natural next step is to replace it with another framework. Perhaps one that says your body is now living on light or prana or something else. You can play with these ideas, but if you actually adopt them as a replacement framework, you are just going to have to purge them the next time your whole reality shifts. And if you are on this path, that might be very soon indeed. So why encumber yourself?

So the fear was directly related to the framework, and was purged along with that framework. I didn’t do this purging on purpose, it just happened over time. And just in time. Because the next threshold was waiting to be crossed.

I found myself increasingly unable to tolerate any food. I tried removing food groups from my diet: dairy and grains, nuts and seeds. Soon I could not tolerate beans and legumes, onions and garlic, eggs made me gag, fruits left me either doubled over or passed out in a food coma. I was down to eating one tiny mono-meal a day. When I finally got to the point where a cup of steamed kale made me as sick as eating pizza, I met the next terrifying threshold: inedia.

Months of these tiny indigestible mono-meals led me to one question: why am I still eating? I don’t experience hunger and food makes me ill. Mealtime is something I dread. Could it be possible that I don’t actually need to eat anything?

Now, you might think that my previous experience and the mental and bodily shifts I made to accommodate eating only once a day would have made the shift to inedia more natural, easier even, but it did not. The fear was even deeper and more primal, and very powerful. My previous unknowing provided that I did not know how my body sustained itself, but with a subtle rider: it still did so with food. How it turned a single, often modest, meal into all that I needed was a mystery I did not attempt to solve, but was willing to accept. However, there was still food in that framework.

Going from someone who eats less than is believed to be required to someone who does not eat did not feel like going from one floor of a building to the next. It felt like a huge disconnect from being human. I saw my body as part of this natural world and everything in the natural world eats something, and excretes something. There is nothing wrong with this, it’s beautiful in its way and works. Why would anyone want to supersede this? Now I was facing down not just the framework for the body, my single body, but rather my framework for the natural world and my place in it. There was a lot at stake! What would it be to come to an unknowing about this?

Being a non-eater was tantamount with being unnatural. I had the fear that I was crossing into territory from which I could not return. It is very hard to describe, and many might read this and say, “so what?” In a way it is indescribably exciting to cross the boundary into an existence that seems impossible, to discover a way of being that is so unknown. It’s an adventure. And I’m pretty adventurous. So why this terror? What’s this distinction between being natural and unnatural? Just do it!

I’m a good sport. Anyone will tell you so. When it comes to the so called spiritual path, I make myself available to the process, and it’s been a roller coaster to say the least. A lot of people want to talk about what happens and how it happens and what it means and what comes next. But here I just want to talk about fear, the primal wall of fear that often meets you at any given threshold. When dealing with what some people call siddhis, or abilities that manifest as part of the awakening process, people don’t always realize that fear is there also. The fear is not something to be dealt with or overcome so much as uncovered and explored and digested.

The thing is, the siddhis are not added to you. When you pass the threshold you become their living expression. This is a metamorphosis. The caterpillar doesn’t just get wings.

It may take you a long time to fully integrate into the next state of unknowing, even after you cross the threshold. Keep in mind that the framework that generates the fear had a genuine purpose and that it resides not only in the mind and what you know and believe, but in the body and also in the body of the planet or even the body of the species, like an oversoul, if you want to think of it that way. It’s not exactly that way, but words are inadequate for these purposes. I use these terms to give you an idea to feel into. The fear and the frameworks are powerful and unkowing them can take time because it’s not just the mind that needs to let go.

image: taken in Haiti, at Carnival


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One comment

  1. Eden says:

    I felt like this latest blog entry was that Universe speaking through you, to me haha 😀 . Beautiful. I definitely have this fear that is holding me back from going deeper in my journey even though there is this other part of me that trusts the whole process and knows deep down intuitively that it’s All Good :).. It’s like I have split personality, the one part that is trying to hold onto the old way of life with all its might, and sort of panicking, and then there is this other part that is totally silent and still and trusting and smiling in this unknowing.

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